Everything went wrong, and your still on my mind :/

I cant believe you can just walk away while i was talking to you. You have hurt me so many times and made me cry so many times, buh just this once that i said something that hurt you, you just fucking walk away. And tell me that you never want to see me ever again and you never want to talk to me.
You say it as though its so easy for you to just forget me, like im nothing at all. I hate the way you walk, the way you talk, the way you stand, the way you look at me, the way you smoke, the way you breathe. I hate everything about you buh yet i cant forget you.
Your always on my mind since that first day we met, since that first hug, Gawd your killing me hour by hour and you still dont notice it. You just live on by not knowing that your killing me every step on the way.
I have been on this path for over a year. And its always the same story, You will always be in a circle and that circle will NEVER BREAK unless i want it too. And i do want it too, buh it never possible, Cus you'll always be in my mind&heart.

I have memorized your
- Scent
- Smile
- Touch
- Kiss
- Love.
My body, My soul .. Has memorized YOU <3

Its all about you hurting me. Napy boy.

Assessments... O.O

Well my assessments are coming up. And yes, i am nervous about what im gonna get for my results.. Mom and Dad says i HAVE got to get good results... PANICKING HERE !
Argh.
Anywaaays, well.. the whole thing that happened with HIM. is over :( He said no, and well yeah.. Im still hurt yes. buh not THAT much anymore.. He told me what i needed to hear. He was truthful and i understood him.buh understanding him doesnt mean that im just accepting the fact that fast.. Im slowly healing :) Thank god.
I have been through a lot of shit this past couple of month. Yes im fine :0. Nikki , Aqilah & Young have been helping me to forget what has happened and has been trying to make me move on :).
I owe my life to young, for everthing he has ever done for me and to me :) Me and him are forever family... <3>
1 year
5 months
and several days..
and counting :D <3

xx much love guys xx <3
Elli x

HAHA.

To all of you who THINK i am lesbian.
DONT.
cus im NOT.

Just cus' in the past post i said that i liked girls. DOESNT mean that i am FUCKIN' lesbian. Okay??
Anywhos.. Im getting a new phone.. And its the Nokia N97 <3.>

Nim - I love you x <3
Oh, and to those who dont know nim.
He is this awesome guy who is my friend <3
and i love him to bits :D

Random is Awesome :D

Well, just a short brief of whats been happening this past * thinks * month :D

* School starting.
* Mozza and me are fine.
* Mozza and Napy broke up.
* Mozza and Napy got back together.
* Me crying a lot lately.
* Young being single.
* Rash and Me not being so 'close' anymore.

Showers :D
Dont you think showers are like so AWESOME. I think they are, And i bet some people out there sure think they are too :) SHOOWWEERRRSS <3.>
The guy i like :]
Anywaays, i think i like my best friend who's named * toot * , I dont think its a wise idea to write his name .. Cus im positive that one day i will show him this blog and he will be all like ' Omg, she liked me '. So you get my point why im not gonna say his name :). Anywaays, yeah about him, He is reaalllyy sweet and he always knows how to brighten up my day and put a smile on my face :), He is just so wonderful :) <3

Me and Arif are no more :/.
Just a rough recap ...
Me and him knew each other for a long time, Buh we never thought that anything could happen. So like , one day i was like.. why dont you come to marina.. and he is like , oh im already here. So we met up and well i couldnt keep my hands off him. You know me. * blushes* ... Anyways.. so yeah, then we thought hey why dont we have a lil bit of fun.. and so we did. Buh while we were having fun, i kinda fell for him ... and i thought we had something special till he texted me one day saying ' hey, i dont think we can be friends anymore, Your too young and im too old. Bye and sorry ' I know right. So all i said back was ' Yeah i understand, nice knowing you xxx bye '. I just wanted to keep it clean you know.

Much love xx elli

I was the Mistake is your life.. And im sorry.

Well im writing again.. So this time meaning you have been really lucky. Well this post is gonna be about sadness and betrayal .. Well not that someone did betray me. Its that i betray my own sister. You see she likes this guy name *toot* and well they had a thing going on right. So like one day, she brought him over and well things started happening in the room. I kinda kissed him on his lips?
I bet your probably wondering WHY THE FUCK would you do that by now. Well i'll tell you why.. Becus YES i did kinda of like him in a way,that YES i would kiss him, And he happen to be there in my room with me. And i tell you i cant control myself when i want to kiss a person. So it happens to be that YES i did kiss him.
I did watever i could to say sorry to eliqa, to mean it to her. And all she could say was that ' its ok, i dont really care &watever elli '. Its not that i dont blame her buh still, I was saying sorry and i was about to kill myself. YES i was on the verge of SUICIDE, buh i didnt do it cus i had to think about my family and my friends and well.. Since i am muslim and all, If i do kill myself [ which wont happen] i shall go directly to hell.
This is not a very interesting thing to write buh i had to becus i wanted everyone [ ho read's this ] taht i am sorry and that i know i did wrong. I love my sister to death and i couldnt bare look at her when we talked in the room, As if i could feel her pain all by itself. I wanted to take that blade and plundge it into my wrist and just dont give a shit about the sheets if the blood will stain or my mothers expression if she see's me lying there soaked in blood.
I didnt care anymore, i was about to do it. Buh i thought of my family and friends. And it hit me , that YES we do mistakes in life that WILL hurt the person you love and YES we do , do things taht we will regret. This has no reason for me to kill myself i thought. I did hurt her and i do have to live with myself for it. Buh its no reason to KILL myself. So seriously, then i put the blade to my leg and i started cutting there. I was pissed with myself becus i should cut somewhere else buh its ok.
It was big the cut i mean, its big... i cut myself 24 times. Now i have the total of 164 cuts all over me :/. I know its not something to be proud of buh still. Just thought of writing this down to the readers. Note, If you think your life is over , think again ;), And if you think your life is in ruins.. think about the ppl that are worse then you, what would they do ? They would live on and remove the past. No matter how hard or painfull it is.. You just have to move on.

Much love xx Elli <3

Its been Long :/

Yeah well , I know its been Bout a really loong time since i last wrote :/. Well i have been busy you know, and well i kinda forgot that i had a blogger :P. Buh not to worries im writing here again, Just i think one more post before i think i will stop blogging. Not forever tho, just for a lil while till i can remember or whats interesting in my life to blog about:).

Its been pretty boring actually, Summer is almost over and i had loads of fun/misery in the past 3 months :/. Nothing to shout about buh yeah. If your wondering what had coused me to say MISERY then, here's what happen ->

* I got together with this awesome most sweetest guy, Buh in the end i broke it off with him. Becus i just cant stand being with one guy.. Its like a sickness, Really.
* I think im in love with my best friend and yet its killing me. Really :/ Feel like im gonna pass out cus of this pain :/

* I miss most of my friends and well yeah So on and so forth :P

* My ex - hamood , Has been a total jerk since the past time he got together with my best friend.

And well yeah, he hasn't changed a bit, NOT one bit. And im shocked to believe that i actually loved him once upon a time ago.

* You remember princess right. Well yeah, me and her fell apart and its not the same no more. I had to delete the past post about her cus she asked me too? And told me not to post the pictures and try to blackmail her.. Well its really rather daft To think that i would blackmail her.

How the fuck can i blackmail her? I ask myself that.

Well yeah, its been kinda heck-tic too. Buh watever, Young has been there for me since the past 10 months we have been friends. God i love him to death :) <3.> I do not know how im going to tell him no wait.. Maybe i dont have too. Just hide my feelings for him inside of me. Knowing that he will definately change once i've told him. So i'll just keep to myself. OMG wat a great idea :D.

Anyways, If i do tend to write again. Then your lucky :). Buh if i dont.. It either

I ->

* died
* is lazy
* dont bother anymore with this site
OR
i just dont find anything interesting to write in a post for you to read :D.

Much love xx elli <3

Has Anyone Ever Told You ...

That they wont stop loving you ?
That they will always love you.
That they love you so fucking much !

There all just fucking lies ... Well some of them at least .

Of course you remember Nappy yeah ... My former ex boyfriend. Well he is dating my best friend ( mozza ) when he told me he likes being single which was total bullshit ! And as a good friend i let him go and i had to becus he doesn't love me anymore like he said he did ...

Can you imagine the fucking frustration i went through ..?

I'll tell you.. i cried and im still crying till now this fucking date [ 3rd June 20o9 ] . I cut myself 10 times to stop the pain... And i put all my loved ones to EXTREME WORRY ... becus i told them i might kill myself . Yeah so thats wat Nappy did to me ... wat hurts the most was that when he told me HE LOVED ME i tot he ment it but after a coupla days he just said I WAS HIS BEST FRIEND.

So if you do want some advice ...

Don't always trust wat everyone tells you ... Cus you might never know when they'll just turn back and stab you with a knife and leave you there bleeding sencesly ... All the best for who ever who reads this shit i just wrote ..

xoxo, Elli... <3

Its Been A Long Time I know...

Its Just How Life Changes Bitch xp

Friends changed and i changed and well everything was falling apart in my life. Like how mich i want to say im good but having that feeling after that im not good. I miss the old times i had with friends and how i miss the laughs i use to laugh with them.
This year has not only changed me it has to everyone else, how i wish it was last year how everything was normal and fun . Now its all about who is dating who and who likes this guy which i like and all that. I miss my old friends i miss my old life.. I've changed soo much that i forgot bout wat i need in life, i kept on following wat my friends needed. Cous to me they were the ones that mattered most.
I made new friends and lost some.. Like now i know who are my real friends, they will always stick by you till the end no mater wht shit you do and did. I thought this friend of mine would be my friend forever and ever like we promised each other but as i see it .. No one ever can keep a promise that everyone knows thay cant keep.
I dont want to changed wat has been done because now i know who are my real friends and they stuck on me with all their love just for me and i felt to special. I love the feeling of how i have friends to take care of me and how they care and love me. I would never ask for anything more then wat i have now.
Friends show the true meaning of love and trust me it will hurt im not lying and it will someday break but friends will forgive one another no matter how bad that shit was. I use to think that i was alone but now as i see it im not i have friends to help me, protect me , and love me. Till the day i die and till the day thay die i would and they would always love me.
Now thats wat true friends are for, wen your in trouble they would help with that problem and try even if it doesnt work out they will try to help.. And if that didnt work out they will try harder, friends will be there wen you call just to say hi and friends are thre wen you need a shoulder to cry. Thats why im lucky to have the bestest friends ever in the world.

Dont ask me bout the girl but its the GUY in the pick that's my closey friend.
Name : Rash

Aww This is One of the most sweetest and nices guy ever in my friendship list!
Name : Young Love

Good friend kinda funy can make me laugh!
Name : T.J

No one could ever find a better friend.. He has and tried to help me soo much! I am soo thankful to have this guy as my friend!
Name : PANCAKEZ!

Its A New Year ... Its A New Life!

Well this NEW YEAR went extremely awesome...No words could explain how awesome this year has been except from the word awesome itself :). I have fallen in love again,and again XD. I made out wif my bestfriend whos like a brother to me, I made out wif a total random dude meet him once and made out in a pool. Now tht was extremely AWESOME! Lolly! :D
I found out tht i actually like girls to in my 11 years...Just found out bout last year since this is already 2009! Hahaha... I found out that im in love wid my best friend sayat.. Which is extremely weird XD! i like my own brother which is more then weird.. AND i got a new phone for my birthday which is in 6 more days.
Schools the same old fucking self.. it hasent changed a bit except for my bus which sucks! I made new friends and enimies in the past 22 days of this new year. I find it hard to believe that i dated a 17 year old and he was iranian.. lolly! Well it only lasted for like 9 days lolly! Did i ever tell you that the longest rel. i had was 1 month 1 week 2 days and bla bla bla.... Weird tht i cant even remember the 2 days and shit like tht... :D
Did i tell you on the same day as i kissed my brother/bestfriend i swam in my bra from lazenza and i got naked in front of 3 guys and i was super making out with a guy... on the floor next to my door...which i must say he was a preety good kisser no make that an awesome kisser...while tht all happend my babe and her partner got a lil *ahem ahem on my bed... but no sex! lolly!


XoXo Baby Renatta XoXo